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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27424099">say it back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins'>softambrollins</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Coda, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e18 Despair, First Kiss, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, we won y'all and it feels good</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:01:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,908</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27424099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's still on the hard concrete floor when Sam finds him. It feels like it's been hours. Maybe it has been. He doesn't have the strength or the will to move. Everything inside of him has gone numb and cold and still as stone.</p><p>"Dean, <i>what</i> —" Sam says, hushed, approaching cautiously like he's afraid that something's gone terribly wrong with Dean. And it <i>has</i>.</p><p>He finally raises his head to look his brother in the eyes.</p><p>"I didn't say it back," he manages to choke out, voice hoarse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>510</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>say it back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, that happened, and I pretty much <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27287260">predicted it totally by accident in my last fic</a>. Oops. We live in a world where it's canon and it feels great, honestly. :)))</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean's still on the hard concrete floor when Sam finds him. It feels like it's been hours. Maybe it has been. He doesn't have the strength or the will to move. Everything inside of him has gone numb and cold and still as stone.</p><p>"Dean, <i>what</i> —" Sam says, hushed, approaching cautiously like he's afraid that something's gone terribly wrong with Dean. And it <i>has</i>.</p><p>He finally raises his head to look his brother in the eyes.</p><p>"I didn't say it back," he manages to choke out, voice hoarse.</p><p>"What? <i>Dean</i> —" Sam comes closer, falls to his knees in front of him, reaching out to take his face gently in his hands.</p><p>"I didn't say it back," he says again, shaking his head wretchedly, and tears would start flowing down his cheeks if he hadn't already spent them all.</p><p>"It's okay," Sam says soothingly. "Hey, it's gonna be okay, Dean." He helps him up to his feet and Dean leans on him for a minute or two before he can find his balance, remember how to control his body again and put one foot in front of the other. He doesn't know where he's walking. There's nowhere to go anymore. But there's just nothing else to do.</p><p>*</p><p>They sit in the library in silence and it's late, it must be late. He doesn't have a drink in front of him and he hasn't eaten in a long time but he's not thirsty, not hungry. He's forgotten what those urges even feel like. He's forgotten what his body needs to work, to function. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore. None of it does. Because <i>he didn't say it back</i> — </p><p>He's still wearing the same clothes. His sleeve is still stained. He stares at it for a minute and it's almost like he can still feel Cas's warm grip around his shoulder. Before he disappeared forever.</p><p>Sam doesn't know what to say, for probably the first time ever. Because even after everything they've been through, there are no words for <i>this</i>.</p><p>"We're gonna get them back," Dean says evenly. "We're gonna get them all back."</p><p>It's not hope, it's not determination, it's not anything. He just knows it's either that or he's gonna call whoever's the new Death and let them take him. Once and for all. Let Chuck snap the entire fucking universe out of existence. Let it all end. Because there's no point to any of this. There's no use going on when everyone's gone, <i>Cas</i> is gone — </p><p>And he didn't say it back.</p><p>*</p><p>After a very complicated spell to summon it and some intimidation by Jack, The Empty spits Cas out on a Thursday in the same clearing where Dean had dug himself out of his grave twelve years ago.</p><p>And then he's there, right across the flat expanse of grass. </p><p>Cas just stares at him, half startled and half almost scared.</p><p>"You son of a bitch," Dean breathes out. "How could you <i>do</i> that?"</p><p>"Dean —" he starts. </p><p>And then Dean's quickly and determinedly striding towards him and grabbing him by his stupid trenchcoat and crushing their lips together, finally, purposefully, fiercely, the empty caverns of his heart reigniting once again. Cas exhales and goes pliant against him and his mouth is sweet and eager and electric and he tastes of something faintly familiar, like crisp, country air and the salt of the oceans.</p><p>"I love you too," he tells him when they pull apart, staring deep into his shining blue eyes.</p><p>And Cas smiles, like he did before he was swallowed up, but this time it's bright and happy and he's bathed in golden sunlight, alive, exactly as he should be. Cas's happiness is not something he should ever hide or be afraid of, it shouldn't ever be the thing that causes his doom, and he knows now that it's <i>him</i> — <i>he's</i> Cas's happiness. And he's never going to take that lightly ever again. He's going to make sure he knows that he's loved every single day. That Dean couldn't do this, any of this, without him. That living without him is eternal darkness. Darker than the vast, endless blackness of The Empty itself. Because Cas is Dean's happiness too. He was just too caught up in his own guilt and self-loathing to recognise it. To tell him years ago when he wanted to so badly.</p><p>"I didn't think you…" Cas says hesitantly.</p><p>"I always did," Dean promises, hands still fisted tightly in the front of his coat. "And I always will. Don't ever do that again, okay?"</p><p>"Okay," Cas says breathily. "I won't."</p><p>"Good," Dean says, before kissing him again, slow and soft and lingering. And the world has never felt more full of pure light. And maybe, just maybe, he can reach out and touch it, have it, keep it for his own this time.</p><p>*</p><p>They're lying in Dean's bed afterwards, facing each other, Cas's hand resting gently on his bare shoulder, right over the handprint, thumb brushing slow circles on his skin as he gazes at him.</p><p>"Did you mean everything you said?" Dean murmurs, and there's no hiding anything, his uncertainty or deepest desires, looking right into his eyes, Cas's piercing right through him, to his soul, just like they always do.</p><p>"You still don't think you were worth it?" Cas says, looking at him like he knows exactly what he's thinking. Dean's spent his whole life thinking, knowing, that he would never be worthy of anyone's sacrifice, much less an Angel of the Lord.</p><p>"You changed me too, you know," Dean tells him honestly. "I didn't think I deserved to be saved. I thought I was just a machine. A killer. I didn't think I would ever get the chance to be happy. I knew I was gonna die bloody. Thought maybe there was some kind of sick honour in that after a life spent doing this. But I don't want that to <i>be</i> my life. I want <i>more</i>. And I felt guilty about that for so long. Until <i>you</i>, I guess. I guess I never really saw <i>myself</i>, outside of all of the rest of it, until you saw me."</p><p>"You saved me too," Cas acknowledges. "I <i>chose</i> to die for you. Not because I wanted to die but because that was more important. Because it was <i>you</i>." He says it like it's the most simple thing in the world, an Angel laying down his life, sacrificing <i>everything</i>, for a flawed, broken, helpless mortal.</p><p>"There wasn't a choice about saving you either. If it was the rest of the world or you, I'd let it all burn. Myself too. I guess I'm not as selfless as you think," he says with an ironic smile.</p><p>"You're not perfect. I know that. But your heart is good," he says, touching his other hand right to the centre of his chest, palm splayed warm over his skin. "You'd give yourself up. In a heartbeat. To save someone you love. I couldn't love you and not be willing to do the same, Dean."</p><p>"I should've said it back," Dean says desperately. "Before you — I wanted to, <i>god</i>, I wanted to.  So badly. But I <i>couldn't</i>. Maybe I was still too fucking scared to want that. Or maybe I didn't want to believe it was the end. But if it was and I <i>didn't</i> —"</p><p>"You didn't have to," Cas assures him quietly. "It was enough. <i>You're</i> enough. And I'm here now."</p><p>
  <i>Happiness is in just being. It's in just saying it.</i>
</p><p>"I prayed to you while you were gone," Dean confesses because he has to. "Even though I knew you couldn't hear. I said it about a million times. Even though it was too late."</p><p>"It wasn't. I think happiness is <i>believing</i> too," Cas says thoughtfully, eyes going far away for a moment before returning to Dean's. "Holding on to something. Even if you think all hope is lost. Even if there's nothing left to believe in. It can be more powerful than anything. It can <i>become</i> real." </p><p>"Like us?" Dean asks breathlessly.</p><p>"We've <i>always</i> been real," Cas tells him with a soft smile that reaches his eyes. And that sounds so simple too, an absolute truth of the universe that can never be changed.</p><p>"Yeah," Dean says, nodding, like he's finally letting himself accept it. "I've always believed in you, you know. Even when I didn't really know you and I didn't even know why. I <i>trusted</i> you. The way I've never trusted anyone. It's like you knew me better than I did. From the first moment."</p><p>"You gave me a family, Dean. I couldn't be more grateful. That's all I ever wanted," he says earnestly.</p><p>"It's not a family without you," Dean tells him firmly. "This — It's not <i>whole</i> — <i>I'm</i> not whole without you. Jack and Sam and me, it doesn't work when you're not here. I think you always knew how to care. I didn't teach you that. I think you taught <i>me</i>. How to trust. How to <i>love</i> without being afraid of not deserving it or losing it. How to choose what I wanted for myself. Not what I was <i>supposed</i> to be. How to forgive. Even myself sometimes. When that's the hardest fucking thing."</p><p>"Do you forgive <i>me</i>? For leaving you?" Cas asks, looking a bit unsure himself now.</p><p>"Always, Cas. <i>Always</i>," Dean says at once, curling his own hand around Cas's, pressing them both closer against his chest. "I wasn't angry when I lost you. I was just — <i>empty</i>. Like there was nothing <i>there</i> anymore. That's when I knew what you meant."</p><p>"About what?" Cas breathes.</p><p>"About wanting what you can't have. I've never felt like this about anyone but <i>you</i>. I should've said it a long time ago," he says heavily, regretfully.</p><p>"Maybe you did without even knowing," Cas suggests. "I think I always knew. Just like I always knew <i>you</i>."</p><p>"I'm not ever letting you go again. I don't care if it's Death or The Empty or God or any fucking force in the universe. I'll fight them all. Until the end of time," Dean tells him fiercely, eyes locked with Cas's, unwavering. </p><p>After all this time, fuck destiny and sacrifice and bloody ends and never getting what you deserve, never even daring to hope for some flickering, fragile light amongst the constant, oppressive darkness. They're gonna have everything they've ever wanted. Now. Because they've already waited too damn long. And sometimes good things do happen, if you let it, if you accept it. Happiness is in your own hands. Like Cas in his arms, right in front of him right now, looking at him like he's everything he wants, like this could be <i>enough</i>, everything he needs to be content and at peace, and nothing's coming to steal him away from Dean this time. He just has to <i>take</i> it. Choose it like Cas chose him from the very beginning.</p><p>Cas leans in and brushes his mouth over Dean's, careful and tender and reverent, full of warmth and gratitude. "I love you," he says, breath soft on Dean's cheek.</p><p>Dean pulls him in closer to his body until he's cradling his head against his chest, presses his lips to his forehead gently. He feels like he belongs right there. "I love you too, Cas," he says against his skin, eyes falling shut.</p><p>Because this time and every time from now until forever, he's always gonna say it back.</p>
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